breakaway

Do you daydream and ask yourselves random questions like... what if I win the lotto? What if I had triplets? What would it be like to be a celebrity? And then there are the other what ifs loitering in your head but you don't dare ask yourselves because the mere thought of them frightens you to the core. But there are those what ifs that don't even cross your mind at all, no matter how imaginative you think you are, just because they simply never ever cross your mind.

To me, it was being made redundant. When it did happen in April, I was shocked that it happened and even more shocked to realize that I never actually contemplated for something like this to happen...to me... at a time when I was going from strength to strength. I deliberately entertain unhealthy and depressing thoughts in my head when I feel like being sad (weird huh?) but redundancy is not on the menu. Sure I know the word. Sure I've seen it happen to other people. But I guess I subconsciously and confidently assumed it was simply impossible so why even think about it. Naive you say? Nah, more like arrogance. Sad but true that when things keep happening in my terms, there is that tendency to believe I ain't vulnerable. It was a truly humbling experience.

Redundancy is a dismissal of an employee from work for being no longer necessary. Uhuh. I sort of knew that. But let me check that out again.. work no longer necessary. Then how come only one work day after I left the building, someone else was sitting at my desk, managing the same accounts and doing exactly the same job???? Oh but she does have a slightly altered job TITLE, not to mention that she knows the manager personally as rumour has it. So I guess that makes hers a "new role" that justifies the supposed team "restructuring" that inevitably "dissolved" my role. Could it be that this was in fact not a redundancy but getting rid of an employee in a legal fashion? Office politics right there... in my face!

And what about that disturbing feeling from the moment I met the new manager back in November... that she didn't seem to like me, or she didn't approve of me or that she looked down on me. There was something about her behaviour towards me combined with my exclusion from most meetings, contract negotiations and even social events with MY clients. Hmmm... come to think of it, I really should have seen it coming. But I didn't. At least I didn't think someone was capable of manipulating systems in this manner... and actually get away with it.

Sure I could have sued them, taken them to courts, fought to keep my post as several people have suggested. But is this job the be all and end all for me? No. Do I really want to keep this job and work for someone who clearly has a problem with my age (I bet she thought I was 16 or 19 tops) and race, dare I say it? No. Is it worth the the time, energy, money, the hassle of it all? No. I just couldn't be bothered. Motherhood has taught me to pick my battles... and this is not one of them. And that is why I left with as much grace as I could muster and with as much money as I could possibly get.

I had placed a wrong stigma to redundancy, all due to ignorance... that when it happens to you it could only mean that you're not important, not needed. And for someone who've studied and worked hard for years to become an essential part of something, I could have easily allowed this redundancy to rock the foundations of my world and crush me to pieces. But I now understand, first and foremost that redundancy is about the role and not about the person and not about his or her performance. And being the person who always sees the glass half full that I am, I welcomed the change in my circumstances. Mind you, I did put a deadline on myself when I started at the Herald that by my 3rd year, I ought to be out and working for another company. I was already 6 months overdue. And for the first time in my life, I was actually working solely for the money. Never a good feeling. So I guess it was about time I left.

I don't know whether or not to take comfort in knowing that there really was nothing to restructure and the whole incident wasn't about redundancy but simply an unfortunate case of running into a new senior personnel who for reasons unclear didn't like me (not much I can do about that) and wanted me out but couldn't really fire me because I was "doing an excellent job and always had an impeccable work ethic", if I may quote one of my stunned clients, so I had to be kicked out via a scheme that successfully covers her ass. Would it have been more bearable if this was a true and genuine lay off?

Whatever the case may be, I found it was bearable and still is. I've heard comments that because I looked surprisingly and even suspiciously okay at the time, I could possibly be in denial and that a few weeks or months down the road, I would find myself crying and depressed. It is, I was told, part of the grieving process. Four weeks on and none of those has happened yet. Am I delayed in starting the grieving process? But is there a reason for me to grieve in the first place? When I think about an old friend who was on the verge of losing his wife to a disease, my own setback shrinks into this miniscule misfortune I'm too embarrassed to shed any more tears over it. When I think about how this break has allowed me to spend more QUALITY time with Cerise to which she is responding so well, I ask what is there to grieve for except for the fact that I never realized how much Cerise and I have missed out just because mummy was working in the last 4 years? When I think about how this doesn't necessarily impact us financially, I am relieved and have a peace of mind. When I think about how I am now exploring other possibilities in my life, putting the ingredients together, turning on the heat and bringing the pot to boiling point, there really is no time to grieve. When I think about how the turn of events revealed what lies beneath the work colleagues I saw and dealt with everyday; proved who my real friends are; showed me how I am blessed with a husband who incredibly picks me up from the pit just by talking for hours on end... I can only be grateful.

The press release is that our team had to be restructured, making my role a surplus to the company's requirements so that a redundancy had eventuated. But we all know there is always the other side of the story; deleted scenes from the movie; classified files of an unsolved mystery; secrets that are not so secret.